Present Tense
by casecous
Summary: Commander Shepard finds herself back on the Citadel after completing the Suicide Mission. When Kaidan finds her, they attempt to close old wounds and figure out what they have between them. One Shot. Takes place before Mass Effect 3, after Mass Effect 2.


_**Author's Note: **This is my own take on a reunion between FemShep and Kaidan Alenko after the Suicide Mission. I had read a few other stories after being hurt by what happened at Horizon and wanting closure. However, I wanted to create one that didn't involve both characters getting piss drunk and jumping into bed. So here goes. I appreciate brutal honesty and criticism, and also praise, so please review! Thank you for reading! -Case_

_All characters belong to BioWare!_

* * *

><p>As soon as Shepard got into her hotel room she dropped her bag on the floor and walked to the bathroom. She turned the water on to the highest possible temperature, undressed and got in. Her head had been throbbing for the last 48 hours and it didn't help that now the suicide mission was over, her thoughts were mainly of him.<br>_Kaidan…  
><em>She closed her eyes, slumped down the wall and hugged her knees to her chest. The scalding hot water hit her skin and helped to numb the thoughts running amok in her head.  
>When her head seemed to throb a little less, she managed to pull herself out of the shower.<p>

Shepard was towel drying her hair when she heard a knock on the door. As a precaution, she quickly grabbed her pistol from her bag.

"What do you want?" she shouted to the unknown person on the other side. Kaidan didn't know how to answer that. _Then why am I here? _At his pause, he heard the safety of a gun click off.

"It's me, Shepard."

Shepard felt her heart skip a beat. She clicked the safety back on, but didn't put the pistol down and slowly opened the door. He gave her one of those famous Kaidan half-smiles and then she was _back on the Normandy_, _waking up with minor throbbing to a concerned doctor and lieutenant; telling the __attractive__ lieutenant that it wasn't his fault. Receiving that same smile and knowing he was going to be trouble. _But here in her doorway, _as handsome as ever. I must be going crazy. _There was something in his eyes that reminded her of the night before Ilos, but he seemed more distant, which frightened her. On Horizon, Shepard felt like she never seemed to say the right thing, and she didn't want it to happen again.

They stood awkwardly in the doorway trying to read each other's faces. Unsure of where they stood with one another.

"How did you – Nevermind." _So much for saying the right thing_, Shepard inwardly cursed. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry, or an odd mixture of both, so instead she just stood there and wondered how long she could keep her self-constructed walls up. Walls she so easily let him pass six months - _no, two years_ ago.

"Look, I know you wanted to be left alone, but I –"

"Come in," she cut him off and opened the door wider as she finally set the pistol down. "I didn't know if… I didn't think you'd…I was planning on talking to Anderson and Hackett tomorrow morning," she finished off lamely.

"Yeah, they were going to contact you," he finished equally as lamely.

Shepard nodded. She began to move away from him toward the couch, sat down and closed her eyes. Kaidan sat down on the opposite end of the couch hesitantly. For the first time in two and a half years, Kaidan was able to really look at Shepard. Her wet hair was beginning to curl. She had a scratch down her left cheek and another abrasion on her hairline. His favorite freckle was on the same place on her nose and he wondered how Cerberus could have gotten each small detail perfect. She looked exhausted, _but just as beautiful as ever. _

"Are you alright?"

The corner of her mouth twitched from a memory that phrase brought back, but the same look of exhaustion quickly masked any sign of happiness. "I'm so tired, Kaidan. Everything happened so quickly. The Normandy was attacked, I died…just to be brought back to life to carry out a suicide mission and I didn't have any time to accept what that meant. Two years gone. I constantly have to act strong, to pretend that nothing bothers Commander Shepard. And I'm tired. I'm so tired."

Kaidan reached out to touch her hand, but stopped short and pulled his own hand back. For a split second, Shepard felt the familiar hum of his biotics strengthen. She opened her eyes and looked at him for any sign of what he was thinking. Normally she could read him so well. He looked concerned, _but still distant_.

"You're….really here?" she asked him, and just like that, her walls began to crumble.

Kaidan furrowed his brow. "Shepard, back on the Normandy, I told you… I told you I wasn't going anywhere." Those words had meant so much to her, and yet she knew that everybody always left eventually. _W__herever Commander Shepard goes, death follows. _

"I broke that promise. Twice. I never should have broken that promise. Not to you, never to you," he admitted sadly.

"We can't always keep our promises," she said quietly. _Men and women screaming. Blood and death everywhere. Horrible images from the beacon. Saren pulling the trigger of the pistol aimed at his own head. The Normandy breaking into pieces. Fire. More blood. More screaming. Black. Oxygen running out. Reaching for the oxygen tank and –_"I'm here, Shepard," a comforting voice pulled her back to the present. She was starting to feel like a goddamn Drell. Though, Thane would probably laugh at her for comparing human memory recall to Drell memory recall.

"I'm glad you're here, Kaidan." _So much more than glad. _ More crumbling.

"I'm glad you are alive and safe. Only you could survive a suicide mission, Shepard."

"It's what I do best," she smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

He raised an eyebrow at her.

She was quiet for a moment, trying to put the right words together in her head. Words she had practiced and practiced, over and over again until they were perfect.  
>"Kaidan, I'm sorry. For Cerberus, for not finding you, for being so unemotional on Horizon. For everything. I wish…I wish that things could have been different. I'm sorry." <em>That's not what I practiced.<em>

"You don't have to apologize, Shepard. I was too hot-headed, seeing you after mourning and feeling guilty for two years and I blew up. After the incident with Vyrnnus, I told myself I would keep better control of my emotions and I didn't on Horizon. I owed you so much more than that. I'm sorry for not trusting you. I was wrong for not trusting you. Not following you. On both the Normandy and Horizon. I wished for so long that I hadn't obeyed your orders, because I could have saved you."

"Kaidan, you saved the crew. That was most important, and even then, you don't know how it could have turned out. We both could have died. In that case, I would still be here, courtesy of Cerberus. But without you." Her throat tightened at the thought. "I… don't want to think about that. The past can't be changed and I've learned that the hard way. You were right, though. I did feel obligated to Cerberus for bringing me back, even though I didn't think so at the time. Or I forced myself to believe that I didn't. I thought maybe they had changed, or maybe I wished they had changed so that working with them wouldn't seem that bad. You know me better than I know myself, Kaidan."

"That doesn't excuse my actions, Shepard."

"But I excuse your actions because they were understandable. Please, let's not argue, we've both apologized and we both forgive. There's nothing else that needs to be said about Horizon." Her head was starting to pound again. She just wanted to sleep away everything. Kaidan looked like he was about to protest but thought differently and closed his mouth.

"Did Chakwas look at your injuries?"

"No, I ran off the Normandy before she could corner me."

Kaidan cracked a little smile. _Typical_. "Do you want me to –"

"Don't you dare fuss over me, Alenko." Shepard flared her biotics to show him she meant business, but it was a weak flare and Kaidan noticed.

"When was the last time you ate?" Kaidan asked Shepard who had closed her eyes again.

She shook her head and shrugged.

"Shepard, if I found you here this easily, you know others are going to find you. So how about I get us some food and you can meet me at my apartment and stay there?"

Shepard opened her eyes again and smiled coyly. "How forward of you, _Major _Alenko."

He blushed. "I didn't mean…Look, you need to eat something and my apartment is safe. No one will think to look for you there."

"I'm only kidding, Kaidan. That sounds great."

"I live in the Alliance apartments to the left of here in 573. The passcode is J59E730. Only if you really want to, Shepard. I don't mean to be too forward. I just want... I just want you to be comfortable." He sounded hesitant now; afraid she would change her mind.

"Thanks Kaidan, now go get us food," she smiled at him.

"Aye, aye," he smiled back and walked out the door. Shepard stared at the door for a minute, unsure if that actually happened. After deciding, or hoping, that she probably wasn't crazy, she gathered her belongings and walked to Kaidan's apartment.

* * *

><p>The interior was unsurprisingly neat and orderly. <em>Always a marine<em>, she thought. She cracked open a door off the small hallway and saw a bed that looked like no one had ever slept in it. There was a desk littered with datapads and something else sitting there made her breath catch in her throat. It was a picture of her similar to the one she had of Kaidan on her own desk.. She forced her eyes away because relief, sadness, and joy washed over her and she didn't know what to do with the strange mixture of emotions. Besides the desk, the only other sign of human life was a couple of shirts piled on a chair. She walked over to the chair, gently picked up a shirt and brought it to her nose. She breathed in Kaidan's musky scent. Oh, she had definitely missed that.

Kaidan walked into his apartment and saw Shepard sitting on the floor staring out the window. An old Earth song was playing. He walked up to her and held up the bags. "I got enough to feed six people. We can get more if we're still hungry later." She smiled up at him proudly and patted the empty space next to her. Kaidan felt his chest tighten and he wondered if she knew what that smile did to him. It wasn't one he had seen too often back on the Normandy and certainly hadn't seen enough recently.

"Thank you, Kaidan."

"You don't need to thank me, Shepard."

"Well, I'll buy tomorrow."

"How very forward of you, Commander," he said coyly. Inwardly, his stomach flipped. _She still wants to be here tomorrow_.

She grinned cheekily at him. "How dare you use my own words against me."

He smiled back at her, "All is fair in l–" he cut himself off before _those words_ could come out.

She turned away quickly and resumed staring out the window. In a better place and time, she would have given him a hard time about tripping over his words, but all that came out was, "You have such a beautiful view."

"Yeah, uh, thanks. It's a shame I'm never here to enjoy it."

There was a pause. _Was this what we are now? Past the difficult part, and now onto making awkward, uncertain small-talk? Would time change things? Would anything?_

"Kaidan, there's been no one else. Only you. I just…wanted you to know that."

Kaidan didn't know how to respond to that. There had been no one else for him either. Not really. But if he said it out loud, it would just sound like a lie. Because, the doctor. But Shepard knew that was just drinks. Or he hoped she knew that. He didn't want to hurt her again. "Shepard, I –"

"It's all right, Kaidan. You don't have to say anything. In your letter, I know you said a lot has changed, but not for me. I'm still the same Shepard." _Your Shepard._ Her voice cracked slightly. _I told myself I wouldn't fucking cry. _Walls crumbling, faster.  
>Glenn Miller's Moonlight Serenade began to play.<br>Kaidan was suddenly aware of how close they were sitting. But maybe it was just the music. His arm tingled. He longed to pull her close and hold her. He'd forgotten what she felt like without armor on. To feel her skin on his skin again. Her neck, her collarbone, the curve of her hips. He was almost afraid of what would happen if his arm touched hers. He looked at her. "Shepard…" he said, his voice thick.

She looked at him, suddenly aware of how close they were sitting. But maybe it was just the song. Her arm tingled. "Kaidan…" she whispered, afraid her voice would crack again. He swallowed. She wanted to touch his face, to close her eyes and…  
>He stood up promptly.<br>Before she could acknowledge any disappointment she felt, he had grabbed her hand and pulled her up to his level. He placed his other hand gently on her waist, pulled her close, and began to dance slowly. Shepard's breath caught in her throat. Kaidan's hand on her waist, his hand in her hand, his rough cheek lightly touching her own smooth one. Everything felt so foreign and yet so comfortable. He smelled like home. He felt like home. He was her home. A home she hadn't had in, well…two years.  
><em>Is. Is my home.<em> Their biotics were humming quite noticeably and Shepard felt she might have a sensory overload.

She tried not to think about his hands. Trying not to think of his hands only led her to think about places where his hands had been in the past and where she wanted them again. Her biotics spiked sharply and Kaidan pulled her closer, if that was even possible. Her head was spinning and _all it would take is a slight turn of the head…  
><em>And then Kaidan's lips were on hers and he was kissing her hungrily, because _oh god_, he had missed her. And she was kissing him back with every fiber of her being. He placed his hand on her cheek and her hands grabbed his hair in return. Oh, how she had missed his hair. But her worries came back, and she pulled away, breathing heavily, looking into his eyes, because _what if they were moving too fast, too soon. What if they were beyond repair.  
><em>But she was _home_ and his eyes always said so much as his thumb brushed her cheek. And she hoped her eyes said the same as she twirled his curly hair in her fingers.

_I love you. Present tense, _they both wanted to say to each other, but neither finding the words.

And with that silent exchange, Shepard gently led Kaidan into the bedroom and shut the door behind them.


End file.
